After Graduation

Singing Break-Up Telegrams

I have never heard of anyone getting a singing telegram in real life, but they seem like a cute idea:  You can pay someone else to not only get whatever (likely embarrassing) message across and in song no less!  Even if someone speaks a different language you can still send them a singing telegram, because music is the universal language!  Even if someone is hard of hearing they can still enjoy the actions and bopping up and down.  Basically, singing telegrams are for everyone and people should start sending more.  Another bonus is you can avoid seeing the aftermath of your message…  Which is why I think break-up singing telegrams would be the best ever!  No muss, no fuss - it’s all over with a simple song.  You don’t have to call, you don’t have to listen to crying, you don’t have to apologize more than once or twice.  After all, how many I’m sorrys will fit into a 60 second ditty?

In an ideal world I would prefer to sing happy telegrams but by luck of the draw I inherited genes for bad bad singing.  However, I figure no one will be really paying attention to my non-existent vocal skills when they are getting the message that, “It’s over” by a singing telegram.  Ideally, I would prefer not to be the bearer of bad news because it puts my life at risk…  Everyone knows the saying don’t shoot the messanger, but for some reason the saying still needs to be said and passed around because no one seems to heed it in moments of passion.  Scary stuff.  We tend to just go all “ape”/primal/bananas.  Tomorrow I am ordering a flak jacket from an ex-mercenary over ebay and signing up to learn martial arts.  I will turn my body into a weapon to protect me from all the spurned lovers I will meet when I break into the Break-Up Telegram biz.

Grizzlar Hunter

Grizzlar bears are unique hybrid animals resulting from grizzly bears mating with polar bears.  Alternatively, they are known as pizzly bears although the official term is grizzlar.  And they do exist, and not just in my mind.  Many people think I am making stuff up when I bring up the grizzlar bear in conversation.  I am flattered that anyone thinks I am that creative, but unfortunately this is not the case.  Grizzlars are real.  However, proving the unbelievers wrong by capturing a grizzlar in a live trap and taking it to a zoo or taxiderming the carcass is not only reason I want to hunt grizzlars.  Before I go any further I would like to clarify that by hunt I do not mean kill.  Because grizzlars are of no use to me dead (unless I wanted to eat their meat or wear their pelts which I don’t because I am a vegetarian for reasons unrelated to the grizzlar bear), I only wish to track them.  Neither do I wish to get some baby seals to act as live bait so I can live trap a grizzlar.  Again, I only wish to track them and possibly live among them so I can write memoirs about my time spent with the grizzlars.  It will be sort of an epic Jungle Book of the north type book, I expect…  Working title:  A Hybrid Life - My Adventures with Genetically Queer Bears.  One foreseeable obstacle is that grizzlars do not live in packs, at least so far as humans know.  This would make living with a pack and writing a book about life with the pack difficult. Right now there are too few of them because they are the mutant offspring of grizzlies and polars; two bear species which do not usually mate except in the face of extreme mate choice scarcity.  According to a CBC article online (which is proof that the grizzlar is even real on the internet, http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/wildlife/) “scientists” say that global warming could push grizzlies into northern regions where currently only polars inhabit which might mean that the two species would become one, what with all the breeding which might occur between the two species.  This means that grizzlars would dominate the bear world.  Think about it, two of the fiercest bear species melded into one.  It is for this reason that I believe my time would be well spent next year if I moved to the arctic and tracked grizzlars.  On one hand I would have a front seat to the developing species so humans would honour me, and on the other hand I could get an in with the developing new super species of grizzlar.  I think there is a good chance that I could be deified in Grizzlar legends if I am with them in the early days of their species’ conception.  Seeking immortality is a decent way to spend some time.

Talk Show Host: "Grandma Peg"

Certain people have identified me as having “grandmotherly” traits. Its bad enough when your own mother says you are motherly, but having your so-called friends say you are like a grandma? That is existential crisis-worthy. No wonder I am the way that I am. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I never was like a grandma but being labeled grandma-like has turned me into a cookie-baking, Dr. Scholl’s wearing, baby-cooing, scarf-knitting individual. Actually, I don’t do all of these things… Yet… Furthermore, these are all stereotypical “grandma” traits, don’t grandmothers nowadays do yoga and drink lattes while checking their Blackberrys? I digress. My self-concept as a traditional grandma-like person (and my love of the televised results of paternity tests) led me to develop a new daytime television show concept: Issues with Grandma Peg. Leah informed me that Peg is an old-fashioned short form for Margaret and I think it is her grandma’s real alias (as opposed to my fake alias for the show). On my show there will be a large chesterfield (possibly with plastic covering to keep the crumbs from our home-made cookies off the good fabric) where I will sit crocheting and drinking tea while harassing my guests. I hope to have a show that will appeal across all ages, genders, and races. After all, everyone needs my advice. There will hopefully be lots of drama, tea, and cookies on my show. Just like I don’t think my show will have any particular target audience, I don’t think there will be any type of guest that appears on my show. Guest ideas range from Jay-Z, because he is my favourite rapper, to Paula Deen, because I love her and she is a grandma and she would probably bring me something deep-fried to eat, which would be delicious. Other episodes would feature non-famous people with issues. Then we could all talk these issues out. And, at the end of the show I would give away one of my crocheted items to one lucky audience member. Lets be clear that these would not be chic little crocheted bags or bikinis. The only thing I will crochet is a nice doily. Oh, and I must have either Winnie or some cats on the show. Maybe some cats as regulars and Winnie just on special occasions.

Beach Boys Cover Band

Leah, Moira and I were humming along to Good Vibrations the other day and I (it was definitely me and not one of them) thought of the of the following brilliant idea: We could form a Beach Boys cover band, called, The Beach Girls! None of us can play any instruments, except maybe the spoons, or the didgeridoo. But this is not a problem. We will be using our voices for all the instruments; Leah does a mean theremin. Please consider booking The Beach Girls for “the most fun under the sun” at your next wedding or Bar Mitzvah. We are currently seeking our fourth member. Inquiries welcome, must be a girl. Or must be comfortable enough in your own skin to be willing to join a band called the Beach Girls. Band outfits have not been decided upon yet. Thinking 1960s beachy summer prep gear.

Norwegian Nanny

I have often toyed with the idea of being an au pair in Europe for a year or so. It would be very marketable to learn another language and children, much like puppies, love me. Initially I thought a country like France or Italy or Spain would be best. Ideally I would be somewhere near the Mediterranean so I could get a bronze European tan and wear sunglasses by the pool all day. Italian, French and Spanish are also all very useful languages. But, lately I’ve been thinking Scandinavia is HOT! At least two of my friends told me it was cool. Norway in particular is a very wealthy country because of all the oil and the sovereign wealth fund. According to Wikipedia Norway is the world’s fourth largest supplier of oil. It is also has the second best environmental policies after Switzerland, is ranked highest for human development (along with Iceland) and is the most peaceful country on the earth (ironically, remember the Vikings?). Maybe if the nanny thing doesn’t work out I will fall in love with a rich oil heir and I can live off the interest. This is probably my best plan yet since the economy is total crap. Wikipedia also says Norway has the “Scandinavian Welfare Model” so when the marriage inevitably falls through the state can look after me. Hellu fjords!